One thing that I find difficult in my current lifestyle is
the great amount of exposure I have to deal with.
Several weeks ago I went with a friend to bring my cushion
and pillow covers to a man down the street to have them stuffed. While language
was a huge barrier between us (hence my friend coming along) we were able to
come to an agreement on the material to be used and the price for his service.
Truth be told, I was thrilled with the price and timetable for finishing the
work as I had gotten a ‘local’ price quote. No inflation whatsoever! And then I
found out why…
At the end of the conversation my friend asked if he needed
any information from me other than my first name – an address, phone number or
some other form of communication perhaps? ‘No’ he replied. ‘I know who she is.
I watch all of the foreigners around here and have known her for some time. She
is welcomed here and I will do a good job for her.’
Now, on the one hand this is fabulous! I spend so much time here feeling like I don’t have a
voice and yet simply by my comings and goings I have become known to my
neighborhood (even this man who is not on my normal walking route). Through the
way I dress, carry myself, interact with others, and the hours I keep I am able
to communicate who I am at the heart of me.
On the other hand, this is kind of creepy. It’s also a LOT
of pressure.
Imagine every time you walked out the door you knew that
dozens of people, seen and unseen, were watching you. They were taking in your
every movement and action; they considered what you wore and what time you came
and went and then discussed it with their friends and neighbors. To me, this is
the definition of exposed.
Now most days, this doesn’t bother me. It’s part of why I’m
here! To dispel the myths of who and what I am and what they’ve been told or
see on TV. On the other hand, after some time, this pressure builds up and can
almost collapse like a house on top of you. It makes you leery to walk outside,
suspicious of who’s watching and what they’re saying.
It’s these times I have to remind myself to 1) get over
myself, 2) remember that I watch people on the street as well and 3) be
thankful that while I may not yet be able to converse fluently, I do have a
voice.
I confess that today is one of those days that the prying
eyes and pressure of being so exposed has gotten to me. It’s what led me to even share this much.
Then again, by sharing this I’ve only exposed myself to an entirely different
audience.
This is where my faith needs to step up and in, reminding me
of who I really am and that the judgments of others are not what matters. It’s
what’s in the heart that will carry me through each and every day whether built
up or broken down. I will survive.
With love from Mayberry,
me
